A good friend of ours, Jeremi, asked us if it would be okay to write Andrew a song, and then sing it at Baby Dedication. Umm...yes, please. That was one of the nicest gifts we could receive, to honor this little blessing. He told me he would need to know some thoughts and, perhaps, a prayer. I decided to share with the blog community, just what I wrote. Hopefully this will bless someone.
The last
five years have been brutal, as Gary and I have waited for that “next step” in
our journey as a family. When we began
trying to conceive in 2007, we were hopeful.
However, a year passed, and we started to become less hopeful. When we went through the gamut of tests for
infertility in July of 2008, trying to get questions as to why it wasn’t
happening, we were given a very vague answer, not really telling us anything
other than that we should be able to have children, and our best chance at any
treatment would be to spend $15,000 on IVF.
So our hope went back up, but only slightly.
By December
of that year, I remember sitting across the table at a Mexican restaurant and
just laying it all out there. If we want
a child so badly, and the chances of in vitro are only 60%, then why don’t we
go for 100% chance and apply for adoption.
There are millions of orphans out there waiting for families. Because I had heard so many horror stories
about domestic adoptions and the birth mother changing her mind at the very
last minute, and not wanting to put ourselves through that emotional roller
coaster, we decided to go international.
We prayed through finding an adoption agency and landed on one located
out of Tennessee, Small World Adoptions.
They had a program out of Mongolia, and at the time there was no age
limit (both parents having to be at least 30 years old), like so many other
countries, China included. I was 28, and
Gary was 29 at the time we began the application process, so we figured we’d just
go with the Asian country that would allow us to apply. No sooner had we completed and sent in our
dossier by November that year, did we hear from the agency telling us that
Mongolia had shut things down temporarily and was not accepting any more applications
until they could get their process ironed out a little. All
the while, Gary and I were just bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, first-time
adopters. We had no clue what kind of a
wait we were in for.
By November
of 2009, we decided to begin looking at different options. A year had gone by, and nothing was happening
in Mongolia. Our agency let us know
about a new program in Ethiopia that they were just getting started with, and
that the children were adopted out fairly quickly through that program,
according to their experience so far (we’re talking 2 days for a referral, once
the application and dossier were received by the government in Ethiopia). We figured that would be nice, and we began
preparing ourselves to complete another dossier for a new application. We got it completed and sent in by September
of the next year, 2010. Despite news that things had drastically slowed down
there, we were still somewhat hopeful that they would clear things up
eventually, and that it would be soon that we would hear something.
The whole
year of 2011 went by with nothing. Both
Gary and I began to find ways to busy ourselves, so that we would not have to
think about things. We figured,
subconsciously, that if we didn’t think about it during the waiting time, it
would be easier. Friends would ask questions, and with a blank smile, both of us
usually found something to say to encourage those inquiring, and to keep our
chins up the whole time. We really felt
like we were the ones disappointing other people, by not having some news to
tell them. Both of us being
people-pleasers, it was more a time of “put on a happy face” and let people
know that we’re doing alright. Our hope
was definitely waning – and quite quickly.
In February
of 2012, we decided to attend a conference in Dallas, called “Empowered to
Connect.” It was a phenomenal
weekend-long conference held at IBC, and the Tapestry ministry out of that
church was an amazing resource we had found, thanks to our friend Stephanie
Cole whose family had begun the process of adopting a little boy out of Russia. We learned so much about the development of
children, how to connect and build attachment, and help with sensory processing
disorders, etc. There were also many
things that we were not expecting to learn just about being parents, in
general. For example, we learned that so
much from our own past will creep up and dictate how we react to certain things
our child will do (well, duh, but the way it was presented really hit me to the
core). This spurred on some desire in
myself to really dig through my past and find out what made me who I am today
and what potential issues I will have in parenting, and how can I deal with
them now in order to not pass these same issues on to my own child. It was a very spiritual and emotional
soul-searching couple of weeks to follow.
At this point, Gary and I felt
like we had been given a breath of fresh air to help us continue in the journey
to adopt. Our “hope bank” was filled
again, and we were able to continue walking forward. We also went a couple of weeks later
to another conference here in Houston, called “Together for Them.” This was another amazing weekend, put in our
lives to spur us onward in this process.
All the while, we were regaining hope that we would still be
parents…someday.
This whole time, riding the emotional
roller coaster our lives had become, I had started to fear that God had gone
silent. Yes, we would still pray
fervently, and still were hanging on by threads of hope, but I was just waiting
and longing to hear from God. It was
around the summer of 2012 that I began to truly lose hope, I buried
myself in some negative emotions that I was carrying due to some things with my
job situation, and allowed that to take over.
I became very burned out on
everything that I was pouring my energies into and both Gary and I felt like
our lives had been in a type of a “holding pattern.” We were stuck. In my own mind, I felt like I was in
quicksand – being sucked down and completely unable to pull myself out. However, I never lost sight of my Lord, and I
always, truly, knew that He was carrying both Gary and me through this.
I still feel like He’s carrying us, and I now have a
physical example of how our Loving Father holds us and cradles us when we are
so needy.
When we got
the call on Saturday morning, we both immediately put up our guards – we had
received news a few times before of babies possibly needing parents, but
everything always fell by the wayside. That
morning, neither of us had anything regarding adoption or children anywhere on
our radars. I was wanting to run from
the stress I had just finished up at school, and Gary was wanting to get away,
to enjoy a week-long class of traveling with other students around to different
northeastern states. But our lives came
to a screeching halt when we headed over to the hospital to be introduced … to
our son.
I still cry
when I think back to the gamut of emotions that were going through my mind
those first three days. Caution (lots of caution), absolute love
for this tiny human being, surrender, hope, faith, thankfulness, selflessness. Gary and I had a conversation during the
course of being in the hospital and waiting for the birth mother to contact our
attorney about how, even with the possibility of us not taking this child home
with us, we still felt that it was worth it all, the three days being there
with him. Without us, he was an
orphan. He had no one else. In my own heart, I knew that, no matter what,
us being there with him those first hours and days of his life was the most
important thing at that moment. I wanted
so desperately to be able to call him mine – I was holding this tiny little
baby in my arms – knowing that if not for me and Gary, this baby boy would not
have anyone to love him as much as we could.
I wanted to pour so much of myself into him those first few days, just
in case of the possibility of him not coming home with us, so I could be
assured that I gave him everything I could when I had the chance.
When I held “Baby Boy” in my arms that
very first time – and really for the first few hours – I still felt like I was
holding someone else’s child. I think it
was when the social worker told us that she would need a name from us, that it
started to become less of a dream and more of a reality. We told her his name would be “Andrew Jordan,”
and that’s when he became ours. He was our dream come true. The fog had been lifted, and the sun was
shining again. However we still weren’t
in the clear all the way. We still
needed to take this baby home, to make it more real.
When we arrived at home on that Monday
evening, the house was in shambles – being overtaken by baby stuff. And we couldn’t have felt more full. Our cups were overflowing with gratefulness
and comfort. We felt so supported by the
Body of Christ at that moment, and we knew that it was right. Our little Andrew had come home.
So many
people had been praying for this moment.
I feel like, with the perfect timing of how everything has fallen into
place, this is an answer to so many different prayers and questions that Gary
and I have been praying and asking for so long.
Andrew is not just our own son, but he is the answer to so many peoples’
prayers. God answered so many prayers
with one single phone call.
I can’t help but laugh – it just comes out through laughter
– in my amazement at this whole story – and God’s overwhelming provision. It feels just like a story that someone would
tell about how everyone lived happily ever after. This is our happily ever after.
Lord, God,
We stand in awe of your
perfection.
You are the Gracious Provider,
All-Loving Father,
Giver of Hope,
And the Comforter.
You shower us with Your grace and
forgiveness,
And You discipline us with your
unconditional love.
You set your Seal upon our hearts
before we are ever conceived,
And you draw us into your Loving
Arms from birth.
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for loving
us enough to step down from Your Throne
To a place of filth, sin and
disgrace.
A world of imperfection.
But in these imperfections, your
Beautiful Perfection is made clearly known.
Thank you for allowing your son
and daughter to take this gift you have given us so perfectly.
Guide us as we raise our son,
Andrew Jordan, in Your ways.
Grow him up to be
Wise,
Discerning,
Charitable,
Humble,
Gracious,
Strong and
Courageous.
Help us to discipline Him in Your
ways, not our own,
And draw our eyes to always look
upon Your Face.
Lord, give Andrew Your Grace and
Love,
And help us to Love him
unconditionally.
We pray for his future wife, that
she will be a woman who fears You, Lord.
We ask that as we have embraced
adoption, that Andrew would embrace it as well,
And see that it is the ultimate
representation of Your Gospel.
Thank you for adopting us into
Your Kingdom.
Thank you for allowing us, as
Your children, to share in the inheritance you have so freely given.
We love you, Jesus.
In Your Most Holy Name we pray,
Amen.
